As with spring-cleaning after a long while, it is not unusual for me to feel overwhelmed and need more than a day to complete. I take it as that.
I miss just writing/composing words. Sentence structuring. And thinking. I miss blogging I guess. I wrote peripheral shite before. Totally useless crapload of nothings that happened in my life. I wrote them like they were somethings though. Then the most exciting episode in life came and I physically wrote non-stop. Started a diary, or two in a space of 2 weeks. Then when the job and the wedding came, nothing. I write only when I feel pressed - eureka bla bla. I wrote of nothings when I was busy with Uni. I wrote about him when it got too exciting to bear. Then it was bliss and the likelihood of forever - suddenly the urge to write was gone. I was too busy being smittened as I said earlier. I still am.
But the wind has changed slightly. Life is good and stable. All is well. I complain because I am me. But if I am being truthful, I am content. My husband, my bike, my car, my house, my parents and family. My job. All. So the pressure perhaps is insidious. A curiosity. A wonderment. Just a question mark.
Which brings me here. And to my blog.
So I finally completed the last of the hospital tests. All looks good thus far. I probably worried more than I should on this. Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it...
The time it took to get used to working life. The constant dread. The excuses to miss work. The stress. The constant longing to be with my mister (right after he drops me off). The elation I feel when he is online or after school. The cuddling and eating out. The putting on weight. The end of ovulation. The vaginismus. The despair. Oh the despair. The worry that God is punishing me. The worry that I will never be able to be with him. The culminations of despair and feeling utterly loss. The secret tears and prayers for divine rescue out of my utter hopelessness.
He did.
And He did again.
And again.
Elation, doubt and joy.
Lying on the radiology table, I thought to myself. A new chapter. A new experience. Life has so many firsts. I looked up and did not breathe. Up because I wanted God to help me. That's basically it. I tried to think of a song to get my mind off what they were doing - Wings Mayang Sulit. I couldn't think of him for when my thoughts fleet but a little I begin to become a weak sniffling thing, incapable of being hard and brave and strong. I wondered for a split moment - I was so right, I cannot have him around for when labour pains come because I cannot be strong with him there to witness me in my greatest pain. Once done I ran out to tell him in detail all about what happened like I did when I succeeded with pap smear.
Pap smear. I will never forget the day when I banished vaginismus the first time. I came prepared with my vibrator and ky. He waited outside when it was time. I felt no pain. I was positively shaking. I felt relief, happy, grateful, humbled. I didn't hear what the doctor was saying. Who cares. I just wanted to tell him I did it. When I came out, I smiled widely at him. He smiles back as if he knew and asked how it was. I can't really remember if he actually asked me or made that wide-eyed questioning expression. All I could remember was that he looked so pleased with me. Or proud of me. The smile never left both our faces. He held me hand the whole time after and stroked it ever so often all the way out from the hospital to the car. It was the best feeling ever. It made me think how much better the feeling would be if I tell him I am pregnant. Or when he gets a child by me. It would probably be worth a lifetime of happiness for me.
Even if I am still filled with doubt about this.